It's Important to Love

Obviously I'm pregnant, very pregnant, 8 months to be exact.
Very hormonal, slightly crazy anyway and have 2 toddlers 13 months apart. 

Recipe for disaster? 

My biggest problem right now?
I don't even know where to begin but I know I AM FILLED WITH FEAR and I know


Well, it's more like, what's not to fear? 
There are so many HUGE things in my life at the moment to fear that those aren't even the things I fear the most. 

I fear that I am not a good enough mother. I fear that I won't be able to handle two toddlers and a new born. I fear I will loose my patience. I fear I will crumble in the face of chaos. 

I fear most of all, I WILL LET MY CHILDREN DOWN; probably every mother's greatest fear.

Fear is an awful feeling, it's just sitting there waiting to pounce on my vulnerable state of mind at any moment. I feel like I have no weapons against it sometimes. It sneaks into my mind and I can't get it out. It come at night when I'm lying there unable to sleep and invades my mind.

Every time I am pregnant I am so moody that it's hard to be around me. I don't have  much of a filter and the one I do have doesn't work very well. 
I try so hard to be nice and loving and patient and all those good things that I know I need to be for my family but sometimes I just can't. I feel like I'm going to explode inside.

We are just about finished potty training little Milton which has been another added stress. The other day the two toddlers were going at it for hours on end and I raised my voice which I try really hard not to do and my son just put his hand on my thigh and said, 

"It's Important to Love Mommy."

Well, of course this made me instantly cry my eyes out. What is wrong with me? What kind of mother am I?

A 3 year old with the wisdom of a 100 year old and knew just what to say to his poor mama obviously struggling to maintain any kind of grip at all. 

None of us are perfect and I know I certainly am not but I think it's important to talk about it too.
Sometimes, I feel like maybe I'm the only mom in the entire world who struggles daily with patience; surely I am not but still, some days it feels that way! 

And that brings me back to my husband. I know how important it is to show him love. Of course I love him. I love him with every single thing I am made of but I can't always show it. I'm not good at it when I'm pregnant, I try so hard every single day and sometimes I feel like a monster who should just hide in my cave until the baby comes out and I can feel normal again. 

I can remember as a teenager this same scenario would happen with my mother and I. I would say something really nasty and hurtful to her and then immediately feel HORRIBLE about it. I'd go to my room ans cry and think, "what is wrong with me?" But still couldn't bring myself to tell her I was sorry and that I didn't mean it.

I have written countless posts about just how much I love that man.
You can read them {HERE}
Right now I am going to take my son's advice and just try to remember, EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. even when I feel like I can't take it anymore, 

"It's Important to Love"

Thank you my son for being one of my greatest teachers!!!!

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The Weir House said...

Aw. I know you are and will be an AWESOME mother. Stop worrying! I don't have kids, but I know this is an awesome time in your life to laugh and love and experience new things with your hubby and children! So have fun, don't sweat the small stuff. You will look back and wish you hadn't!

Laura said...

My daughter did this to me one day too. I was having a horrible day and she was driving me crazy with her 2 year old antics and not napping and I just needed a break. I yelled at her about something and she just came up to me, hugged me and said "I love you Mommy" and of course it made me stop in my tracks and feel like the worst person ever... but it helped me learn. It's amazing how much wisdom is inside of these innocent little children.

Val said...

You are awesome!!! These pictures are so adorable.

Tiffany said...

What great pictures! And yes, the words of children are sometimes the wisest words of all. Don't be hard on yourself, obviously your children are happy (see proof above) and loved, and you will continue to be a great mother. Just hang in there for the next month!!!

Agnes BeaderBubbe said...

Children have a great ability to say all the right things to make you feel better. I am a mom of five - all were born in a range of 7 years...the first 3 were 12 months apart...and I can surely relate. I am happy to say they have all grown into lovely responsible adults...what did I do? I put my heart into raising them...and you too will manage - just remember all the things that matter - like hugs and kisses..they are beautiful. I do remember when things got a little overloaded for me - having someone watch them for just one hour - and going out for a walk - to air my head and relax - because you must do this to feel better...breathe and make time for will be fine...and...listen to the children :) they have words of wisdom.

melody-mae said...

Every single person, mom or not has felt like they say mean things or that they did something they wished they had not. I want you to know I understand and you are not alone! I have a temper...when I was younger and living at was so nasty...I mean bad. My husband is so darn nice and calm. He has been a lifesaver for me, he has mellowed me out. I am not saying I don't ever lose my cool and say things out of anger, because I do...It is hard to tame that part of me. Just know sweetie that your little ones (and your husband) know that you love them. They see it in your eyes every. single. day. they know without a doubt how much you worries!

Jenny said...

Love this post! And what a smart little boy you have! Good luck with your last month of pregnancy! You're going to do great!

Vanessa said...

Hi, Hanna

Just breath! You are a great mom, because you are thinking about this. Also, you are human and you will miss it sometimes, so don't beat yourself up for missing it or making a mistake. You are human and we will make mistakes. You will have the grace to be a mom to three kiddos. Hang in there. Have a great week.


Pride In Photos said...

What you are feeling is SO normal. I hate to tell you but the fear of not being a good enough mom, really never leaves you. My girls are 28 & 32 years old and I still worry about if I am a great mom to them...Its human nature. Love your photos of the boys...gorgeous!
Laurie @ Pride in Photos

CC said...

Bless your heart, sweetie! Number one: you are not alone. I think the fear of failing our kids is a universal fear. I know I feel it as well. The privilege and responsibility of raising a child is immeasurable. Second: the very fact that you are worried about it makes you a better mom. You clearly love your kids and that IS the most important thing. And finally: we all mess up and say and do things we regret. Just pick up and keep moving forward. :) By doing that you teach your kids about forgiveness and grace through your example. :)

Michael Z said...

Hi Hanna! Your boys are adorable! Thanks for following. Do you know what #3 will be yet or are you going for a surprise?

Lauren said...

What a wonderful post! I love this. You are DEFINITELY not the only mother who loses patience. I lose mine quite often and I only have one toddler. I can't imagine trying to deal with two while pregnant. Kudos to you for knowing that pregnancy does bring on hormones and it is natural to feel overwhelmed with all of those things.
I think that these photos are super cute!!!


Kerry said...

I came here via Casey's link up and it's my first time on your blog and it made my heart just about burst. What a sweet and wise little one. Sending you kindness and patience toward these fears. xoxo


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