On my ~HEART~

I've poured my heart out about this topic many a time before but it is plaguing my heart  yet again so I wanted to share it.

Before I had children I was very career driven. I had set goals and LOVED to work. I really did. I have always had VERY good work ethic. 
Since the age of 14 I have worked and by 16 I had 2 jobs.  I have always understood the relationship to hard work and the importance of it. 

I always assumed I would go back to work full time when the  children were little but of course that was all before I ever had any children.

As soon as I had my son Milton, my world was different, everything. 


My first inkling as a mother was to protect and never leave my child! EVER! 
It was a bit of a strong instinct I think. Maybe a bit more aggressive than most mothers. 
I never wanted to leave him for 20 minuets to run to the grocery or for 1 hour to go on a date. I wanted to stay with him ALWAYS and I mean ALWAYS!!! 

At first I even struggled to let my husband take complete care of him. I wanted to do the feeding and the bathing and the EVERYTHING!!!! 

I was completely immersed in being a mother!!!!

My first child, Milton, was VERY planned. My husband and I had been married almost 2 years and were really ready for a baby. 

Then, suddenly when Milton was about 3 months old I started to feel really sick all the time. I had a headache everyday, I was so exhausted I could barely do anything. I didn't feel good. Well a good 2 months went by like that before I had the inkling that there was a chance I might be pregnant. I had never had a "cycle" because I was breastfeeding and let me assure you, the chances weren't real good! 
But sure enough I took a test, it came out positive instantly and so I now have 2 children 13 months apart! 

The very weekend I was beginning to look for work was the weekend I found out I was pregnant again with Ginger. My husband and i had a long talk and decided it was best if I just stayed home until Ginger was born  because the two were so close in age. 

In my eyes it was a MIRACLE!!! I didn't have to go back to work! Hallelujah!!!!!! 
Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I kept repeating because I didn't know how I could ever leave my baby.
I continues to nurse Milton the entire time I was pregnant with Ginger and then nursed both of them for a few months before weening Milton. 

Sadly, when Ginger was only a little over 2 months old I had to g back to work for the family. We were already facing bankruptcy and we couldn't afford to loose our house. there was no choice.

I cried and cried and cried and I was so angry at God. Why was this happening to me? Why did I have to leave my tiny children? 

I'm still asking!

So I worked, I worked the night shift for a little over a year and was strung out and exhausted all the time. My milk supply dried up early because of the stress and the crazy hours which made me even more sad inside. 

My husband got laid off and I started working overtime. It nearly killed me and left me so hollow inside. I missed my kids so much it made me sick. 

I finally moved to a day position and got pregnant very shortly there after. I dropped to part time due to such horrible morning sickness and went out on maternity leave early at 6 or 7 months. 

SO here we are now!!!!! 

I am so so so so grateful, I am so happy to be back at home with my kids where I belong. I am crafting, I am inspired. I feel faith creeping into me and filling me with gratitude and joy. I feel everything shifting under my swollen feet. 

I feel whole again, I am with my family, in my home, making it a warm place I hope. 
I was meant to be HERE.STAY.HERE.

And I am TERRIFIED of what is going to happen when our 3rd child is born. Am I going to have to go back when the baby is 3 months? 4 if I'm lucky? 

I CAN'T bare it!! I don't know what else to say. I truly cannot. 
I'm terrified, scared out of my mind about having to leave 3 children 3 and under with someone I don't know. 
I am a very firm believer in raising your own kids. I truly mean no judgment by that. Many parent's and kids love daycare but I don't. In fact it makes my palms sweat and gives me a stomach ache just thinking about it. 
I'm sensitive over protective when it comes to my kids but if my husband keeps his 5 part time jobs and go back to work, we will have to find some kind of child care and I am sick about it already.

I have been praying everyday for God to fins a way to let me stay here, at home, with my children and I will continue to pray everyday until I have my answer. 

I just had to let that out today because it has been so heavy on my heart! 
PLEASE.....I just wan to be with my kids! 

Headband: Lemons and Lace




I have been reading my daily devotional and found this one particularly comforting to me.
"My face is shining upon you, beaming out Peace and transcends understanding, You are surrounded by a sea of problems, but you are face to face with me, your peace. As long as you can focus on Me, you are safe. If you gaze too long at the myriad problems around you, you will sink under the weight of your burdens. When you start to sunk, simply call out "Help me, Jesus" and I will lift you up.
The closer you live to me, the safer you are. Circumstances around you are undulating, and there are treacherous-looking waves in the distance. Fix your eyes on me, the one who never changes. By the time those waves reach you, they will have shrunk to proportions of my design. I am always beside you, helping you face today's waves. The future is a phantom, seeking to spook you. Laugh at the future! Stay close to me.
PHILIPPIANS 4:7; MATTHEW 14:30; Hebrews 12:2

I'm linking up with Alissa from {RAGS TO STITCHES}

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Laura said...

Oh Hanna, I do know exactly how you feel. When I got pregnant with my son (my oldest) I was in law school and had every intention of graduating and going on to become an attorney. But, my oh my how wrong I was! I just couldn't have anticipated how differently I would feel once he was here. I still finished law school, but I know my place is home and I couldn't be happier. Luckily our finances allow that (although we have had to make sacrifices). I do hope that you can work out a way to be home a bit longer. On the other hand, I know in my heart that if you raise your children with love and if you're truly there for them and present when you are together, they will turn out to be wonderful happy people :)

mrs. tabb said...

oh. my gosh. this made me cry a little. I just had my first and am on maternity leave and praying i can stay home for good. i'm SO SO SO glad that you are able to stay at home now and I'll pray the Lord sees fit to allow you to stay at home and run your home! this is a tough job, being at home, but it is SO awesome and I really want to be the best i can be at it! love!!

Jena said...

Keep the faith girl!! Keep praying!! I have three kids 7, 5 and 1 and I've always wanted to be a stay at home mom. For the past 2 years I've been praying extra hard about it.

My husband was working two full time jobs he hated and i never thought it would happen for me. I shouldn't have thought that!!

My husband finally fell into a great job, he loves and pays well so I have 5 months left at work and then I'm free to just be the mom I'm meant to be.

If I could go back in time and ask myself if I thought this would ever happen I would have instantly answer NO Way!! But God can do anything!!

Keep praying girl!!

Rita and John said...

I never planned to work outside the home while our children were young, but I had no choice. We just can't make it work any other way. Sometimes that makes me really sad. But I look at our children and they are thriving! They are doing so beautifully! And so I figure this is the cross I am bearing for now, and at least they are doing so well and growing and thriving and learning. They are happy children. And we treasure our time together. If you have to put them in some kind of a day care arrangement, you'll probably be super-picky like I was. But you'll know it's the right situation for them when you find it. Praying for a healthy pregnancy for you and your baby and for peace as you look ahead to the future.

Sassy Engineer said...

You must be reading "Jesus Calling"? I have been so uplifted by it lately and trying to cling to Christ only and surrender all else because I know He is enough. I loved the one you quoted - I so easily get weighed down by problems of the world and it is so comforting to know that I have the One who can shoulder them all. I pray He gives you an answer soon!

Gigi.T said...

Nice pictures! You look really cute! In my eyes every pregnant woman looks beautiful i dont know why but i think its a beautiful thing to be pregnant but i'm 15 years old soo i still have time xDD

xx ♥

Angela Strain Rodriguez said...

I have a 10 year Old and a 6 year old and I am blessed to say that they have never been to daycare. I haven't worked since I was pregnant with my first. It has been tough financially but so worth it!! I am grateful everyday for the gift of being a stay at home Mommy. I pray your dream comes true as well!! BTW I use Jesus Calling too, isn't it wonderful?!?

Dara said...

I know how you feel. I am so lucky I'm able to stay at home. I worked after I had my first and it was hard. Guess what? I interviewed for a job for the first time after my 2nd was born. That very same day I found out I was pregnant with my 3rd! So I didn't have to go back to work! Just like you after your first.

Val said...

I totally understand your feelings on this....These photos are so pretty.

love jenny xoxo said...

very interesting, I'm not sure how I will feel about everything but I'm sure if I do go back to work it will be sooo hard... But I can't picture myself not going back to work either... so confusing.

Adorable photos!


Hannah White said...

I totally understand.. it would kill me.. like panic attacks and kidnapping them to run away.. wait! they are mine lol and where?? LOL no clue but I would not ever want to leave them. So I do home daycare. Praying God gives you the desires of your heart!

My Traveling Troop said...

Awww! I know how you feel! I absolutely loved my job. I even worked up until two days before I gave birth to my daughter, because work gave me such joy. But something in me changed the moment I held her for the first time. I didn't want to leave her! I did end up going back to work for a year. Now, I'm a stay at home mom and am trying to relish every moment because who knows how long this will last. I'm going to send you lots of prayers and big hugs your way, hoping you can stay home with your kiddos too. -Kristina

Erika Lee @ A Tiny Rocket said...


You wear maternity so well- I felt so frumpty dumpty on my pregnancy and you make it look easy.

I know how you feel and you have such great mommy extincts- I also think you are showing a great example for how hard working, big hearted and awesome mommy you are to your beautiful kids. What's that old phrase.. You will only be given as much as you can be dealt?

Benlovesting said...

Thanks for sharing, really! So lovely.

Melissa said...

Hanna, You look gorgeous! And - I enjoyed reading your Daily Devotional, its so inspiring and uplifting!

I pray that everything will work out, just the way that your heart desires.

( Ive been trying to think of suggestions and ways ( in your field ) that you could stay at home...and I just dont know that much about the Nursing field to offer any suggestions in that regard.
Maybe..? you could open up a Etsy shop ( with your Aprons ) or maybe..? bake your fabulous desserts - and sell them to friends? ( just ideas.. )


Jessi Bridges said...

I feel exactly the same way. It would kill me to have to leave my kids with someone else and go back to work. We live on a teeny tiny income and me working would help but I feel The Lord has called me to be home home with them full time. I pray The Lord allows you to continue to be home with them!

Tori said...

Really enjoyed my read. Came by via coffee date. Btw, you look lovely.

Amber Enns said...

You are one beautiful momma! I am seven months pregnant right now with my first and I really want to be a stay at home mom. I know I will have a very hard time leaving my child. All I have ever wanted in life is to be a mom to my sweet babes. However, I don't know if we will be able to financially do that. Thanks for sharing!


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