I've poured my heart out about this topic many a time before but it is plaguing my heart yet again so I wanted to share it.
Before I had children I was very career driven. I had set goals and LOVED to work. I really did. I have always had VERY good work ethic.
Since the age of 14 I have worked and by 16 I had 2 jobs. I have always understood the relationship to hard work and the importance of it.
I always assumed I would go back to work full time when the children were little but of course that was all before I ever had any children.
So I worked, I worked the night shift for a little over a year and was strung out and exhausted all the time. My milk supply dried up early because of the stress and the crazy hours which made me even more sad inside.
My husband got laid off and I started working overtime. It nearly killed me and left me so hollow inside. I missed my kids so much it made me sick.
I finally moved to a day position and got pregnant very shortly there after. I dropped to part time due to such horrible morning sickness and went out on maternity leave early at 6 or 7 months.
SO here we are now!!!!!
I am so so so so grateful, I am so happy to be back at home with my kids where I belong. I am crafting, I am inspired. I feel faith creeping into me and filling me with gratitude and joy. I feel everything shifting under my swollen feet.
I feel whole again, I am with my family, in my home, making it a warm place I hope.
I was meant to be HERE.STAY.HERE.
And I am TERRIFIED of what is going to happen when our 3rd child is born. Am I going to have to go back when the baby is 3 months? 4 if I'm lucky?
I CAN'T bare it!! I don't know what else to say. I truly cannot.
I'm terrified, scared out of my mind about having to leave 3 children 3 and under with someone I don't know.
I am a very firm believer in raising your own kids. I truly mean no judgment by that. Many parent's and kids love daycare but I don't. In fact it makes my palms sweat and gives me a stomach ache just thinking about it.
I'm sensitive over protective when it comes to my kids but if my husband keeps his 5 part time jobs and go back to work, we will have to find some kind of child care and I am sick about it already.
I have been praying everyday for God to fins a way to let me stay here, at home, with my children and I will continue to pray everyday until I have my answer.
I just had to let that out today because it has been so heavy on my heart!
PLEASE.....I just wan to be with my kids!